The best ideas often emerge from recognizing a need—the Couples Conference is a perfect example of this. What started as a conversation among colleagues became an event that has filled a crucial niche in the world of psychotherapy.

The 2025 conference, titled “Reconnecting in a Disconnected World,” will be held virtually from May 2–4. Featuring an impressive faculty—Lilian Borges, Elliot Connie, William Doherty, Rebecca Jorgensen, Martha Kauppi, William Marsh, Rick Miller, Tammy Nelson, Terry Real, and Ari Tuckman—this year promises to continue the tradition of thoughtful, dynamic programming. (https://www.couplesconference.com/)

This year also marks the 30th anniversary of the conference, so it’s a perfect moment to revisit the conversations that shaped its journey and the ones still driving it forward.

The Idea That Started It All

The conference was born in the early 1990s when Ellyn Bader, Ruth McClendon, Les Kadis, and Peter Pearson found themselves reflecting on the state of couples therapy while flying home from another event. They realized there was no conference or training dedicated exclusively to couples therapists. Upon recognizing this gap, they took action.

Pictured Above (L to R): First Photo: Ellyn Bader, Peter Pearson at the 1997 conference. Second Photo: Ruth McClendon, Les Kadis at the 1996 conference.

Ellyn and Ruth reached out to Dr. Jeffrey Zeig of The Milton H. Erickson Foundation. Jeff was immediately interested and agreed to co-sponsor the event—at least once—to see how it would go. The first conference was a success and it became an annual tradition.

Sexuality, Intimacy, and a Bold Beginning

The first Couples Conference was held in 1995 at San Francisco’s Cathedral Hill Hotel. The theme was “Integrating Sexuality and Intimacy: The Challenge of Treating Couples in the ‘90s”.

“For each conference,” Ellyn explains, “especially in the early years, we would look at the challenges couples’ therapists were facing, and at that time it was couples fighting and getting out of control in the therapy room. Also, there were therapists studying and doing sex therapy and the average therapist was more about emotional intimacy,” Ellyn says. “We wanted to bring sex and intimacy together because in sex therapy couples often brought up intimacy problems and in regular therapy, therapists were confronted with sexual issues, and both sex therapists and regular therapists did not feel equipped to deal with these presenting problems.”

Ellyn’s message at that first conference: Couples therapy was real therapy. At the time, the field didn’t recognize it that way.

“It was more of a stepchild,” Ellyn says. “I was on a panel once,” she recalls, “and there were two therapists talking negatively about couples’ therapy and how it wasn’t a legitimate therapy. I stood up and said, ‘Real intrapsychic change can happen in couples’ therapy,’ and they both shot me down. It was scary. Today, when I tell people that couples’ therapy was not a thing back then, they cannot believe it!”

Building a Reputation and Tackling Topics

As the conference grew, so did Ellyn’s role in shaping its direction. Working closely with Jeff Zeig, she curated speakers, crafted panels, and constantly asked how to make the event more relevant and stimulating.

“I would usually choose a theme and bounce it off Jeff,” Ellyn explained.

According to Jeff Zeig, “The Couples Conference has been an opportunity for experts to bring their perspectives into focus and find consilience. It is a premier destination for therapists who are interested in expanding their effectiveness to include couples. Ellyn has been a central force in bringing couples into focus as a central topic of therapy.”

After initially rotating cities—Chicago, Boston, Dallas—the conference eventually settled in Northern and Southern California. It became known as the “California conference” and earned a reputation as a premier event in the field.

From Debate to Integration: How Conflict Fueled the Conference’s Growth

“In the mid-1990s, I noticed there was a lot of conflict in the field between attachment and differentiation,” Ellyn said.

She went on to recall that there was a moment at the 1995 conference that was particularly significant in this regard. Harville Hendrix and David Schnarch were on a panel together, with Ellyn serving as mediator. David, who was in the differentiation camp, confronted Harville, who was in the attachment camp, and a tense and memorable discussion began.

The panelists debated the balance between empathy, emotional safety, and differentiation—highlighting the tension between fostering connection and challenging partners to grow through discomfort. They examined how childhood wounds influence adult relationships, the therapist’s role in navigating those dynamics, and the complex intersection of sexuality, mutuality, and development. The conversation underscored the field’s ongoing struggle to define therapeutic success, integrate divergent models, and embrace conflict as a catalyst for transformation—both in therapy and in relationships themselves.

The conference went on to further embrace the spirit of this debate by exploring Attachment, Differentiation & Neuroscience in Couples Therapy as a theme for several years. The conversations at these events were pivotal in bridging the divide between competing schools of thought.

“It was because of those conferences specifically,” Ellyn explains, “that the conference really began to develop its own momentum, because at that time the field was split, and we were trying to integrate the two ideologies.”

A Community of Learning and Connection

Beyond the lectures and panels, the conference became a meeting ground where professionals connected, exchanged ideas, and recharged their passion for couples therapy.

Small lunchtime groups became a staple, allowing attendees to process what they were learning and build lasting professional relationships.

Thematic Shifts

“The conference evolves,” says Zeig, “as the faculty’s perspective becomes enriched.”

Throughout the late ‘90s, themes of sexuality and intimacy were explored, while expanding to address pressing issues like substance abuse and the HIV/AIDS crisis. By the 2000s, the theme evolved to “Love & Intimacy”—reflecting the deepening conversations around relationships.

The conference has never shied away from challenging topics—including infidelity, deception, hostility, pornography, narcissism, violence, and addiction. In 2017, the theme was “Affairs, Addictions, and Deception: Challenging Issues in Couples’ Therapy.”

Two years later, the theme shifted again to “5 Pathways to Interpersonal Excellence.”

Honoring Relationship Diversity

The conference is inclusive of LGBTQ+, polyamory, and transgender couples’ experiences. Speakers like Rick Miller, author of Unwrapped: Integrative Therapy with Gay Men, and Martha Kauppi, who leads workshops on working with polyamorous clients, are regular faculty. Both will present this year.

Voices That Shaped the Conversation

Over three decades, the Couples Conference has hosted a remarkable roster of guest speakers, including Daniel Amen, Frank Dattilio, Paul Eckman, Rick Hanson, Susan Johnson, Otto Kernberg, Christine Padesky, Stephen Porges, Bessel van der Kolk, Scott Woolley, and many more.

Regulars like Lilian Borges, William Doherty, Helen Fischer, Steven Frankel (Law & Ethics), John and Julie Gottman, Harville Hendrix, Helen LaKelly Hunt, Marty Klein, Harriet Lerner, Pat Love, Cloé Madanes, Rick Miller, Bill O’Hanlon, Peggy Papp, Peter Pearson, Esther Perel, Terry Real, Janis Abrahams Spring, Daniel Siegel, Stan Tatkin, Michele Weiner Davis, and Jeffrey Zeig have also helped shape the conference into what it is today.

A Lasting Impact

The Couples Conference started with a great idea. Even so, founders Ellyn Bader and Jeff Zeig were not sure if it would run for more than a year. “But, dedicated therapists who wanted to learn kept showing up and supporting the conference,” Ellyn says. “In fact, I got a phone call last week from someone asking about the next Couples Conference. I have a lot of fond memories and feel very good about what I created. I think it’s had a big impact in the field.”

For more information or to register for the 2025 conference, visit https://www.couplesconference.com/

The Couples Conference: 30 Years of Shaping Couples Therapy

Unseen Erickson P.5

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The Milton H. Erickson Foundation